This is one of the lonely days they told me I wouldn't notice. But after the third meal alone, I'm beginning to. A boy was exiting the cafeteria just as I was entering. Before I got to the door though, he said, "Just because you're pretty, I'll hold the door for you" and held it open as I walked in. I wanted to cry, partly because I couldn't believe was serious, and partly because I haven't been told that since, well, almost six months ago. Of course, someone's being pretty is a miserable reason to hold the door or do anything else for them, but it ticked me off how long I thought about what he'd said. Did he mean it? Why did it matter?
Physical attractiveness is the most arbitrary thing in the world. I know that. And as I've said before, there is beauty in everyone that comes from the life within them. And I believe that when you love someone, you find them more and more attractive, the more you know them. The concept of loving someone for their body is incomprehensible to me. I've fallen for numerous minds, one heart--and physical attraction just followed. It was never a starting point. So there is beauty that comes from existence, from being human, and beauty from loving and being loved. And the rest is just fluff. So why do I crave compliments on it?
Maybe I just crave compliments, generally. Or conversation. Is this not my whiniest post yet? I guess I thought friends would just kind of happen in college like they just kind of happened in high school. Then they didn't, and I told myself they would happen when classes started. That was two weeks ago, and nothing. I'm not sure what to tell myself, now. A piece of me wants to absolutely panic, but at the same time I want to reassure myself, tell myself it will come in time. It's not that there aren't any friendly people here--practically everyone is friendly. But when I meet someone I'd like to be friends with, it's usually by chance, and I have no idea how to find them again. My mom says a lot of this is that I'm not taking many typical "freshman" classes. Any gen eds I didn't clep or get AP credit for (like theology, for which there isn't a clep test) are combined into one class for me, since I'm in the honors program. So honors and the 8-week joke called freshman seminar are the only strictly freshman classes I have.
I am of course trying to make it sound like none of this is my fault. It definitely is. That's one thing we're learning in freshman seminar: take responsibility. And when something good happens, you can bet I will.
